The Millennial’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays with Dysfunctional Family Members
Ah, the holidays. For many, they’re a whirlwind of cozy traditions, festive décor, and magical vibes. But for others—especially millennials navigating dysfunctional families—it’s a season of potentially triggering chaos.
You love your family. But between Uncle Joe’s unsolicited opinions, passive-aggressive remarks about your life choices, and that one relative who thrives on drama, holiday gatherings can feel more like a test of endurance than a celebration.
But here’s the truth: you can survive—and even thrive—this holiday season. With the right mindset, a solid coping plan, and a few DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) tools in your back pocket, you can better manage the madness and protect your peace.
Let’s dive into your holiday survival plan.
Step 1: Manage Your Expectations
One of the biggest holiday traps? Expecting a Hallmark movie when your family dynamics are more reality TV. Managing expectations is your first step to surviving and thriving.
Accept What Is (and Stop Hoping for What Isn’t)
DBT teaches us Radical Acceptance—acknowledging reality as it is, not how we wish it to be. It doesn’t mean you approve of your family’s behavior; it means you stop fighting against the reality of who they are.
Wishful Thinking: This year will be different. Everyone will get along, there will be no conflict, and we’ll finally all have fun and enjoy making memories with eachother.
Reality Check: My family is messy, I’ll likely feel triggered at times, and someone will probably cross a line—but I can handle it.
When you accept your family as they are, you free yourself from the disappointment of unmet expectations.
Step 2: Create Your Boundary Game Plan
Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re guardrails that keep you emotionally safe. And let’s face it—holiday gatherings are the ultimate boundary-testing environment.
How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Know Your Limits: Before the event, decide what’s okay and what’s not. For example, “I won’t engage in political debates” or “I’ll step away if Aunt Linda starts criticizing my decision to be single.”
Communicate Clearly: “I’d love to spend time with everyone, but I’ll need to leave by 8 PM to recharge.”
Hold the Line: When someone tests your boundary, calmly restate it: “I’m not comfortable discussing that. Let’s talk about something else.”
Pro Tip: Practice saying “no” like it’s a full sentence. Because it is.
Step 3: Use DBT’s Wise Mind to Make Decisions
Holiday decisions—like whether to attend that chaotic family dinner or spend the day with friends—can feel overwhelming. Enter Wise Mind, a DBT concept that balances your emotional and logical sides to help you make grounded choices.
Emotion Mind: “I have to go, or my mom will guilt-trip me forever and I’ll feel so bad.”
Reasonable Mind: “I could skip the dinner, but it’s likely to disappoint some family members.”
Wise Mind: “I can go for two hours and then politely leave. That way, I honor both my family and my needs. Leaving after two hours feels manageable and within my capacity.”
When in doubt, ask yourself: What choice aligns with my values and keeps me feeling balanced?
Step 4: Master Distress Tolerance Skills
Family gatherings can stir up all the feelings—anger, sadness, frustration, you name it. Instead of letting your emotions take over, try these DBT-inspired tools to stay grounded:
DBT’s Distress Tolerance TIPP Skills: Your Holiday Emotional Emergency Kit
T: Temperature Change - Splash cold water on your face or put an ice pack on your chest.
I: Intense Exercise - Take a quick brisk walk, do some pushups, or stretch to release pent-up energy and get back in your body.
P: Paced Breathing - Inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for six.
P: Progressive Muscle Relaxation - Tense and release muscle groups to calm your body.
When emotions run high, these techniques can help you regain control, bring your physiology down, and activate your parasympathetic system.
Step 5: Shift Your Perspective
Instead of viewing family time as an obligation, reframe it as an opportunity to practice your coping skills. (Yes, really!)
Turn Triggers into Growth Opportunities
Trigger: Your sibling’s backhanded compliments.
Opportunity: Practice non-judgmental observation. Notice their behavior without attaching to it emotionally.
Trigger: Your mom’s endless questions about when you’re having kids.
Opportunity: Set a boundary with humor: “That’s classified information, Mom!”
Approaching the holidays with curiosity and compassion for yourself can help you feel more in control.
Step 6: Build Your Holiday Self-Care Plan
Taking care of yourself during the holidays isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity. Here’s how to make it happen:
The Holiday Self-Care Checklist
Schedule Downtime: Block off time to recharge before and after family events.
Pack Your Coping Tools: Bring a journal, calming playlist, or favorite book to retreat to if needed.
Treat Yourself: Balance stressful moments with something that brings you joy—a festive latte, a solo movie night, or a cozy walk through holiday lights.
Stay Connected: Reach out to supportive friends or a therapist for encouragement.
Remember: Self-care is a skill, not a selfish act.
Step 7: Exit Gracefully (If Needed)
Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is walk away. Whether it’s leaving an event early or skipping it altogether, give yourself permission to prioritize your mental health.
The Art of the Irish Exit
Option A: Politely announce your departure: “I’ve had a wonderful time, but I need to head out to recharge.”
Option B: Sneak out quietly with a smile and a wave. No explanation necessary.
Pro Tip: If guilt creeps in, remind yourself that protecting your peace benefits everyone in the long run.
Step 8: Focus on What You Can Control
The holidays can feel chaotic, but here’s a secret: you don’t have to control everything. Instead, focus on what’s within your power—your reactions, your choices, and your boundaries.
What You Can Control:
How you respond to triggers
How much time you spend at family events
How you care for yourself during stressful moments
What You Can’t Control:
Other people’s emotions, choices, or opinions
Family drama
Uncle Joe’s combative style of communicating
By letting go of what’s outside your control, you create space for calm and clarity.
Step 9: Celebrate Your Wins
At the end of the season, take a moment to reflect on your progress. Did you set a boundary for the first time? Walk away from a toxic conversation? Prioritize self-care without guilt? Act in ways you feel proud of? Cope with triggers before your emotions get the best of you and not make things worse?
Every step you take toward healthier dynamics is a win worth celebrating. Recovery isn’t about being perfect—it’s about showing up for yourself, even in small ways.
The Bottom Line
The holidays with a dysfunctional family may never feel like a Norman Rockwell painting, but they don’t have to be a disaster, either. With managed expectations, solid boundaries, and DBT-inspired coping tools, you can survive—and maybe even find moments of joy this season.
This year, let your mantra be: “I deserve peace, joy, and boundaries—especially during the holidays.” You’ve got this.
Happy Holidays!
Learn How to Survive the Holidays with Dysfunctional Family through Therapy in NYC and Miami Today!
If you're struggling with family relationships, triggers, and dysregulating emotions, learning coping skills can be a crucial step in improving your mood and wellbeing. At Bianca VonBank Therapy, I offer compassionate support and evidence-based therapy to help you develop these essential skills. My goal is to empower you to manage these intense dynamics and triggers in a healthier way. Your path towards better boundaries and recovery starts with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy in New York, NY. Take the first step towards a happier and healthier life by following the steps below:
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At Bianca VonBank Therapy, I provide a variety of services tailored to support women’s mental health and well-being. In addition to offering Binge Eating Disorder Treatment in New York, NY, I specialize in providing therapy for a number of concerns. This includes Therapy for Codependency and Anxiety Treatment. In therapy, I address common issues such as body image concerns, burnout, perfectionism, and relationship issues. My approach is grounded in evidence-based practices. These practices include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Whether you're seeking help for a specific issue or aiming to enhance your overall mental wellness, I am committed to delivering personalized and effective care to facilitate your growth. Reach out today to discover more and embark on your journey toward a life filled with fulfillment and more ease.