Codependency Coping Plans for the Holidays: How to Put Yourself First
The holidays: a time for cozy sweaters, cinnamon scented everything, and, if we’re being real, the occasional (or frequent) emotional meltdown courtesy of family dynamics, people-pleasing, and boundary breaches. If you’re a millennial woman navigating codependency, this time of year can feel like a pressure cooker. But here’s the good news: you can make it through with your peace intact by putting yourself first.
Yes, I said it. Yourself first.
For the record: prioritizing your needs doesn’t mean turning into the Grinch. It means showing up for the season—and yourself—in ways that feel authentic, healthy, and sustainable. Let’s break down how to create a holiday coping plan that keeps you at the center of your own story, not abandoning yourself, and dare I say more ease filled?
What Is Codependency, and Why Does It Get Worse During the Holidays?
Codependency is the tendency to prioritize others’ needs, feelings, and approval at the expense of your own. It can get even more complicated when these tendencies are in conjuction with a loved one struggling with addiction and/or mental health issues. Sound familiar? It often shows up in relationships as over-giving, people-pleasing, and feeling responsible for others’ emotions and choices.
During the holidays, the stakes can feel higher. There’s a significant increase in demands, whether it’s hosting the perfect party, buying thoughtful gifts, and keeping everyone around you happy—all while navigating family dynamics that make Succession look tame. The result? Burnout, resentment, anxiety, and a sense that you’re running on empty while everyone else gets to sit back and enjoy.
The First Step to Putting Yourself First: Drop the Guilt
Let’s get one thing straight: taking care of yourself is not selfish. Say it with me: "Taking care of myself is not selfish!"
When you’re used to putting others first, prioritizing your needs can feel wrong—like you’re breaking some unspoken rule. But here’s the truth: you can’t pour from an empty cup. The better you care for yourself, the more you’ll be able to show up for others in meaningful ways and the better able you’ll be to effectively cope with all the triggers that are inevitably going to show up. It’s like what Ram Dass says, “If you think you are enlightened go spend a week with your family.” 🤪
Step 1: Get Clear on Your Holiday Priorities
Before the season sweeps you away, take a moment to reflect beforehand:
What do you want your holidays to look like? Feel like?
How do you want to feel about yourself at the end of the holidays?
Who and what truly matter to you?
What activities bring you joy, and what feels like an obligation?
What do you need to remember when things start to feel challenging?
What doesn’t actually matter this holiday season when you really think about it?
Make a list of your must-dos (things that fill you up) and your meh-dos (things you do out of guilt or habit). Spoiler alert: it’s okay to say no to the meh-dos. In fact it’s encouraged! Part of codependency recovery? Learning to tolerate others’ disappointment when putting yourself first. I promise it’s totally worth it and gets MUCH easier with time and practice.
Example:
Must-do: Spend Christmas morning with your chosen family eating cinnamon rolls in PJs.
Meh-do: Attend your second cousin’s ugly sweater party where everyone drinks to much, you feel uncomfortable with all the gossiping, and they inevitably quiz you about your life choices.
Step 2: Build a Boundaries Blueprint
Ah, boundaries. The holy grail of codependency recovery and the essential skill for doing this whole adulting thing and thriving. Here’s the thing: setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a healthy person.
How to Set Holiday Boundaries Without Feeling Like a Jerk
Be Clear and Direct
Clearly state your boundary in a calm, non-confrontational tone.
Validate Their Feelings
Show understanding (e.g., “I see how much this tradition means to you”).
Use “I” Statements
Express your needs without blame (e.g., “I need to keep this holiday simple this year”).
Stay Calm and Respectful
Manage emotions and approach conversations with kindness.
Negotiate When Possible
If appropriate, find compromises that respect both your needs and theirs.
Repeat if Necessary
Politely restate your boundary if it’s not immediately respected.
Follow Through Consistently
Stick to your decision with confidence and kindness.
Prioritize Empathy and Respect
Balance asserting your needs while maintaining connection in the relationship.
Step 3: Make a Cope Ahead Plan
Picture this: you’re mid-holiday dinner, Aunt Karen is three glasses deep, and the conversation has veered into uncomfortable territory. What do you do? Refer to your cope ahead plan!
Creating a Cope Ahead Plan for the Holidays
Anticipate Challenges
Identify situations that may cause stress or test your boundaries (e.g., difficult conversations, overwhelming gatherings).
Visualize Success
Picture yourself navigating challenges confidently and effectively.
Plan Action Steps
List specific skills you’ll use, such as these DBT skills:
DEAR MAN for communicating boundaries.
GIVE to maintain relationships.
Opposite Action to address guilt or anxiety.
Practice Self-Soothing
Identify calming activities (e.g., deep breathing, a short walk, excusing yourself to the bathroom and running warm water on your hands) to ground yourself during stressful moments.
Prepare Backup Plans
Have an exit strategy or a supportive person to lean on if a situation becomes too overwhelming.
Rehearse
Mentally or physically practice conversations or scenarios to build confidence.
Reward Yourself
Plan something enjoyable or restorative for after challenging events.
Step 4: Ditch Perfectionism
Millennials are a generation of overachievers. (Blame the "participation trophies" or Instagram-perfect lifestyles.) But let me remind you: the holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.
Ways to Let Go of Perfectionism During the Holidays
Set Realistic Expectations: Remind yourself that “good enough” is enough.
Prioritize What Matters Most: Focus on meaningful traditions or activities and let go of unnecessary tasks.
Embrace Flexibility: Be open to changes and imperfections; they often create the best memories.
Practice Self-Compassion: Talk to yourself kindly if things don’t go as planned.
Delegate and Share Responsibility: Let others help instead of trying to do everything yourself.
Challenge All-or-Nothing Thinking: Let go of the idea that everything must be perfect or it’s a failure.
Focus on Connection Over Perfection: Prioritize relationships and time with loved ones over aesthetics or flawless execution.
Use Radical Acceptance: Accept that some things may not go as planned and that’s okay.
Take Breaks: Step back when overwhelmed; rest helps you stay present and grounded.
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge what went well instead of focusing on what didn’t.
Step 5: Connect with Supportive People
You don’t have to navigate the holidays alone. Surround yourself with people who get you—whether it’s your chosen family, a trusted friend, or a therapist.
Connecting with Supportive People During the Holidays
The holidays are a great time to lean on and nurture connections with supportive people. Start by identifying your support network—friends, family, your therapist, or community members who genuinely make you feel valued. Communicate your needs openly, whether it’s a listening ear, help with a task, or simply their company.
Be intentional about creating time to connect. This might look like planning a coffee date, making a quick phone call, or even setting up a virtual chat if distance is a factor. Don’t shy away from being vulnerable; sharing your challenges can deepen relationships and foster authentic connection. It’s also important in codependency recovery to learn to receive support, not just always being the one giving it.
Expressing gratitude to those who support you is also key—it strengthens bonds and creates a positive cycle of care. Remember, reaching out is a two-way street, so while it’s important to lean on others, also be there for them in meaningful ways. The balance of giving and receiving creates deeper, more fulfilling relationships during this season.
Step 6: Detach with Love
Detaching with love is a powerful tool for navigating family dynamics during the holidays, especially when addiction or mental health issues are present. It means stepping back emotionally from unhealthy patterns while maintaining compassion and respect for your loved ones. Recognize that you cannot control or “fix” others’ behaviors or struggles; their recovery and choices are their own responsibility. Instead of reacting to conflict or absorbing their emotions, focus on protecting your own peace by setting clear boundaries and practicing self-care.
When faced with triggers or challenging interactions, mindfulness and grounding techniques can help you stay centered. Let go of unrealistic expectations and prioritize your well-being without guilt. Detaching with love doesn’t mean withdrawing entirely—it’s about cultivating healthy connection by honoring your limits and choosing when and how to engage. This approach allows you to show empathy without becoming enmeshed, preserving both your mental health and the possibility for meaningful relationships during the holiday season.
Step 7: End the Season with Reflection
When the holidays are over, take time to reflect on what worked well and what could use some fine tuning.
What boundaries helped you feel more at peace?
Which traditions felt meaningful, and which felt draining?
How can you carry what you’ve learned into the new year?
How can you create a more ease filled holiday experience next year?
What do you need to remember for the holidays next year?
If you could do the holidays over again what you have liked to be different?
Reflection isn’t about beating yourself up—it’s about checking in with yourself and giving yourself the space to be introspective in order to access meaningful perspective.
The Gift of Putting Yourself First
This year, give yourself the gift of peace, joy, and authenticity. Putting yourself first isn’t just good for you—it’s good for everyone around you. Because when you’re showing up as your best self, you’re better equipped to create meaningful moments and true connection with the people you love.
Set those boundaries, skip the second cousin’s party, and eat the dang cinnamon roll. You’ve got this! 👊🏼
Happy Holidays! 🎄
Looking for Support in NYC or Miami?
If the holidays (or life in general) have you feeling overwhelmed, you don’t have to face it alone. As a licensed therapist specializing in codependency, anxiety, eating disorders, and tricky family dynamics, I help women in New York City and Miami create healthier relationships with themselves and others.
Whether you’re navigating personal challenges or ready to explore therapy, I’m here to provide compassionate, solution-focused support tailored to your needs.
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